I wish I could punch you in the face.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
