im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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