dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
