This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize