I'm so fucking centered right now
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
