Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
