worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
