just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
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2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
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Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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