now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
