Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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