smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
