peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
