There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
