I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
