you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
