how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
