I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
