my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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