My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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