if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
