I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
