im six kinds of drunk right now
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
