Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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