I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I am naked and annoyed.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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