if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
