Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
