Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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