1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
