Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
