The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
