Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
