my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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