I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
