The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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