Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
