I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
no, he came in my armpit
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
