fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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