You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
