I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
