No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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