Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
