the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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