just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
