I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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