Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
