Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Randomize
