I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
