Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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