you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
