Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
