I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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