I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
This is my gift to your gina
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
