i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
