I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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