I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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