my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
