why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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