I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My ATM looks so different sober.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
