So drunk its hurt
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
