My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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