I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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