Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
