My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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